Miss Manners for August 28, 2024 - Miss Manners (2024)

These opportunists are rarely the directly bereaved, but rather an ostensibly well-meaning friend or relative asking on their behalf. One fundraiser was set with a goal of $20,000 for the bereaved widow. The platform displays an “honor roll” of who has given what amount; it appears that donors are able to remain anonymous (although most choose not to), while their donation amounts are still displayed.

It seems a bit insulting to both the departed and the bereaved, publicly implying that the departed failed to prepare for this eventuality and irresponsibly left their loved ones destitute.

I am a generous person and have donated my funds and/or time to many causes, often substantially. But this money grab, often mere hours after a death, feels very tacky. In these cases, I opt not to give via the public platform, but instead send my condolences. On occasion, when a need was evident, I have sent a private donation directly to the primary bereaved individual.

I am satisfied with this approach. But what say you about the use of these online platforms?

GENTLE READER: Putting aside legality, ethics and tastefulness -- which seems to be the common practice, Miss Manners has noticed -- the etiquette question is: Under what circ*mstances may someone else make such a request on behalf of the principal mourners?

She is forced to conclude that this must not be done during what must already be a time of enormous suffering. In a perfect world, that would put an end to the practice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am marrying a lovely man after three years of dating. He has one sister and one brother. I have two sisters. All of our siblings will be in our wedding party.

However, one person is being left out: My fiance’s brother, Max, has a long-term girlfriend named Jenna. The two have been dating since high school and are coming up on 10 years together.

Jenna is very smart, funny and driven. We usually get along very well. I consider her a part of my fiance’s family, and I would like to include her in the wedding party.

However, my fiance and my mother have concerns about this. My fiance is not on board with the idea because Jenna was not very supportive after our engagement. She has never congratulated us and falls silent whenever we talk about wedding plans.

I believe this is because she and Max have been dating for so long and she is somewhat bothered by our getting married before them. I don’t blame her. She didn’t handle it very nicely, but excluding her from the wedding party surely won't spark any warm feelings between us.

I think adding her to the wedding party would make her feel more included, and might bring us closer together. My mother does not like the idea because she thinks it is inappropriate to include someone who has not “married into” the family.

GENTLE READER: Would you rather the footnote to your wedding be a generous gesture of inclusion, or petty retribution because someone did not demonstrate sufficient enthusiasm? Miss Manners would not have thought this was a difficult question.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have vegan relatives, and when we go to their home, they prepare only vegan foods. If it is a three-day visit, we eat the same boring foods for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

When they come to my home, I always provide vegan dishes. Shouldn’t they provide non-vegan dishes for me, too? Or do I have to bring my own?

GENTLE READER: Sorry, but your turnaround does not work here. That is because a moral issue is involved: If your relatives believe it is wrong to kill living things for food, you would be asking them to violate this by providing such food for you. You do not violate any such principles when you provide vegan food for them.

And bringing food they consider morally objectionable into their house is not the solution.

What about hosts’ obligation to please their guests? Nope -- again, not at the sacrifice of their morals.

Still, Miss Manners would like to be helpful. You can get temporary relief by being a good guest, and one way to do that is to relieve your hosts of the work of at least one meal. Locate a restaurant nearby that serves both vegan and non-vegan food, and take them out.

Another way is to relieve them, temporarily, of your company. No matter how much hosts like their guests, they also like to have a few minutes to themselves. So identify a time when they have not made plans, say, “We thought we’d take a little drive around,” and head for the nearest hamburger joint.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I just learned that we are pregnant with our first child. We’re very excited!

As it happens, a close friend’s wedding is in a few weeks and (if all goes well) that will be right around the time we will be ready to share the news. Many of our friends who will be at the wedding, including the bride and groom, live in other states, and this will be a rare opportunity to tell them about the baby in person.

Of course, we would just let people know as we see them over the weekend -- not with a big announcement and not at the actual wedding. Is that appropriate? Or should we just let the weekend be all about the happy couple and tell our friends over the phone later on?

GENTLE READER: It is very delicate of you to worry about this. But is it really that easy to upstage a couple at their own wedding?

Miss Manners knows that people, mostly bridal couples, worry about that. There they will be, in their wedding finery, reciting lifetime vows, and their relatives and closest friends will be easily distracted by signs of anyone else having a life. Or even of wearing something that doesn’t fit with the color scheme.

Yes, you should not grab a microphone and demand to be applauded. But surely the gathering of a family is a fine opportunity to spread good news.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I frequently host meals for 10 to 20 guests, both personally and professionally. We have a debate over whether to put out spoons for meals when we are not serving soup.

My spouse contends that spoons may be used for things other than soup (e.g. spreads, or the last bits of thin sauces). I prefer not to set out spoons in order to save on the volume of dishwashing (or waste, if using disposable utensils, although we have switched to compostable ones).

We have agreed to abide by your determination: spoons at every meal, or only when soup is being served?

GENTLE READER: Stop! Please do not put out those superfluous spoons! You are making trouble for Miss Manners.

In a world besmirched by incivility, many people believe that etiquette -- that is, the rules of moderate restraint in the interest of community harmony -- is a snobbish way of humiliating honest people. Further, they include table manners in this nasty sport.

Lamentation over “which fork to use” is still cited as a trap, although it has been more than a century since highly specialized flatware was in use. And people should be minding their own plates.

A correct table setting consists of only the items necessary for the food to be consumed, laid out in an outside-to-inside pattern. That’s it. Please.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a foot condition that requires me to wear orthopedic shoes. If I don’t, it’s very painful. My husband and I have a no-shoes rule in our house, and some of our friends do as well.

I have had slippers made so I can be comfortable in my own home. When we visited these friends, I brought a pair of my slippers so I could wear them in their house. Our friend refused to let me wear them because I also wear them in my own home, so they must have dirt and grime on them.

I have more than one pair, so I’m able to wash them at least once a week, which I told her. She insisted I wear the slippers she provided, so I did, and was in pain all night.

Was I rude to bring my own, as she insinuated?

GENTLE READER: That is some friend you have. She doesn’t trust your word when you say that your slippers are clean, and she would rather you be in pain all evening than risk dirt on her floor.

Miss Manners has heard from other people with their own reasons for not removing their shoes indoors. She hopes you are as tolerant of them as one would expect others -- especially friends -- to be of you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I really feel badly when I am in front of an elderly or disabled person on an elevator and I step out of ahead of him or her. However, it is awkward and creates major traffic problems if I step back into the crowd. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Get off the elevator.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)